Scared of Myself
by SecretlyTwisted
Summary: Can a Raito with multiple reasons to hate Kira, handle finding out that HE is the mass murderer? SLASH LxL, rated M cause stuff might happen. O.o My first fic but not my first time writing. Please Read it! *looks hopeful* ... Please?


~~ L X L ~ Raito X Ryuuzaki ~ Lawliet X Light ~ R x R~~

AN: Hello Peoples! ... yeah I'm sort of a newb so no one here knows me, this is my first fan fiction but not my first time writing. Insult it if you want, I can take it. :)

Enjoy!

Disclaimer: I don't own anything, ( Yeah big surprise )

* * *

Raito was _scared._

He wouldn't share this fear with anybody. Not his father, not Ryuuzaki. _Definitely_ not L. Not when he was constantly faced with the accusation ever present behind those gray-black eyes. But then... It wasn't accusation. Not really. It was _knowledge..._ L _knew_ Raito was Kira. And _this_, more than anything scared Raito. How could L know? How could L, _who was never wrong_, know without a shadow of a doubt that Raito was Kira when Raito _wasn't_... unless Raito _was_… But of course he wasn't. He couldn't be... Still... the more he found out about the original Kira… Their ideals were the same… and the belief about becoming a _god… _

Ratio was scared... that he might Kira.

He did _not_ want to be Kira.

_And when did that happen_? A mocking voice asked in the back of his mind.

It certainly hadn't always been that way. Part of him loathe as he was to admit it, had been... envious of Kira. This person who suddenly had so much power, whoever it was, they weren't worthy were they? What gave them the right to have the power to change the world? Raito was smarter, more talented, and more deserving, it should have been him.

Now those thoughts that had replayed over and over in Raito's head only weeks ago made him sick. What had he been thinking, and... what had changed?

Raito knew exactly what had changed; Naoya Anzai had died in prison of a heart attack at age 19. And he was the classic Kira victim, a gang member, a murderer, accused of kidnapping, killing his conspirators, and many other heinous crimes. There was only one problem with this, He was innocent. Raito knew he was innocent dammit! But that didn't keep his name and supposed criminal record of the internet. He had been killed by the money hungry mockery was that was the third Kira. A Kira who only killed criminals to seem as if he was still the vigilante Kira who had originally killed such murderers. Naoya had been killed because some idiot was imitating Kira. Kira... who believed exactly as Raito did.

_It might as well have been _Me_ who killed Naoya, _was the thought currently rebounding around Raito's head and keeping him awake. Maybe his reasoning didn't reflect very highly upon his normally logical, and analytical way of thinking, or for that matter his superior IQ, but try telling that to Raito's guilt ridden emotions.

Raito might have been L's first friend but Raito had had a friend before Ryuuzaki.

One friend...

Naoya…

_And is that the only reason? _The sarcastic voice pressed.

_Yes... um... No... maybe... ?_

Well he _had_ grown closer to his _second _friend, Ryuuzaki... and being a Kira suspect put enough strain on their friendship without actually being Kira... maybe that _combined_ with the death of Naoya...

Light _hated_ Kira.

Sleep was useless.

Raito's hands fisted in his sheets and he sat up suddenly, hardly noticing L, who was currently typing something on the laptop precariously balanced on his knees, jump when jerked on the handcuffs. He ignored the detective and grabbed his watch from the bedside table.

2:15.

_Goddammit!_

He put his watch down and slumped back onto the pillows facing away from L. He heard the detective mutter something softly to himself, but didn't answer. He needed to think of something else... anything else... If he fell asleep... thinking of Naoya... he was sure... he'd... have one... of the... dreams...

...

...

_People, people were dyeing everywhere he looked and he was…_

_**Happy?**_

'_There are good and evil people in this world, There's a fine line between…'_

_**Good, Evil**_

_**Right, Wrong**_

_**Innocence, Ignorance**_

_**Genius, Madness.**_

_He was scared, hungry, Were they ever coming back? Would he live through it if they did? He wouldn't it if they didn't._

_This world is…_

_**Rotten.**_

'_Why do people kill?'_

_**A notebook fallen from the sky…**_

_His reflection the eyes were…_

_**Red?**_

_'Raito we__'ll show them, Raito! Someday they'll pay!'_

_**I am not Kira!**_

_Green-Brown eyes  
_

_Grey-black eyes_

**_Red._**

_Red eyes  
_

_**Apples**_

_People, people dyeing everywhere he looked_

_**Names written in a notebook…**_

'_It goes against my moral values.'_

_**They weren't coming back…**_

_They came back__**...**_

_**Blood**_

_red like eyes, apple red, apple red eyes, eyes bleeding, eyes crying, crying blood__**.**_

___'Raito? Why do people kill?'_

_'Because people hate.'_

_**mirror mirror**  
_

_'Why do they hate?'_

_**I am not Kira!**  
_

_'Because they hold grudges.'_

_'Do you hate Raito?'  
_

**'_Light-kun'_**

_'Someday we'll show the world, Raito, you and me! We'll...'  
_

_'Raito'  
_

_**I… am**_

_'Raito'_

'_Light-kun'_

_** not…**_

_**Kira!**_

_Why did they have to came back?_

_**everywhere he looked**  
_

_Would they live through it?_

**_I hate... __them_**

_Screaming  
_

**_Blood_**

_Apples_

**_They'll pay!_**

_Strawberries_

_**God!**_

_Raito!_

_**We'll show the world!**  
_

_You see? That's why people kill._

_**blood soaked mirror**  
_

_Maybe killing is ok... you know if they deserve it..._

_We'll be_

_**kill**_

_killer_

_**Kira**_

_deserve it**  
**_

_**We'll be Gods**_

_What if they didn't live through it?**  
**_

_**The world was shaking **_

_**People were dying all around him**_

_** A notebook**_

_** bodies falling from the sky… **_

_**there were apples everywhere he looked and he was happy?**_

'_**There are Ignorant and Innocent people in this world Raito-kun'**_

_**Why do people come back  
**_

_**He was looking in the mirror and his eyes were Green-black. **_

_**It goes against… God. **_

_**I… 'Light-kun' am not… Happy? **_

_**Red  
**_

_**He was scared and evil… good.**_

_**Kira  
**_

_**mirror, mirror-  
**_

_**They weren't coming back. **_

_**If The Apples were Rotten he would die.**_

_**Red  
**_

_**blood soaked mirror-  
**_

_**They came back**_

_**Maybe Rotten is OK...**_

_**Apples  
**_

_**Why are my eyes-  
**_

'_**Raito-kun' **_

_**We'll show the world.**_

_**Red  
**_

_**crying blood-  
**_

_**I hate... Strawberries**_

_**We'll be gods.**_

_**Red  
**_

_**Names written in a notebook… His eyes in the mirror… I am not**_

"Light-kun!"

"_**Not red!"**_ Raito's eyes shot open and he glared at the face that was uncomfortably close to his own. Ryuuzaki the socially inept genius was straddling him, well not really straddling, more like oddly crouching with his legs on either side of Raito's hips. The uncomfortable proximity of his face to Raito's face did nothing to lesson the awkwardness of the situation. L's normally emotionless eyes looked slightly concerned. He blinked slowly, realizing Raito was awake, and bit down slightly on the thumb that was nearly touching Raito's nose.

Raito shifted uncomfortably, "... Back up would you?" he hissed, immensely relieved when the detective actually obeyed him for once, backing into his more usual crouch this time on on the opposite side of the bed.

"Light-kun says the strangest things while he dreams." Ryuuzaki stated casually tilting his head to the side.

Raito groaned and rolled over to bury his face in the pillow. "Go away."

"Light-kun forgets that this is not currently possible." L said jostling the chain so that it made an aggravating clinking sound. "Besides its time to get back to work."

It was... funny... Ryuuzaki was the only one of to people to call him Light. Misa called him that too, as after some idiot had let slip that the English translation for Raito was Light, she had decided that Liiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight, was much more fun to whine than Raito. Ryuuzaki had apparently found Raito's reaction to the pet name so amusing that started using it as well.

"… fine." Raito sat up and reached for his watch, "Ryuuzaki its 3:30!"

"Yes..."

Raito quickly fastened his watch and got out of bed dragging L after him. He stomped to the dresser and pulled out a clean outfit, motioning impatiently for Ryuuzaki to remove the handcuffs so he could get dressed. The detective pulled the key from his jeans pocket and unlocked the chain easily, crouching on the floor and gazing thoughtfully up at Ratio while he changed. "Light-kun is sulking." L said simply as Ratio slammed the dresser closed.

Raito ignored that comment and pulled on a jacket. Of course he was annoyed, he had had less than one hour and fifteen minutes of sleep! He glanced over at Ryuuzaki to see if the detective was interested in changing himself. When L showed no sign of doing so Raito had to force his OCD side to stay quiet. Ryuuzaki would change, he reassured it… _in another two days._

"I agree by the way." L said quietly, standing to place the handcuffs on a now fully dressed Raito.

"What?" Raito asked tiredly.

"Light-kun… is not red."

Raito felt the blood rush to his cheeks as his own body rebelled in an attempt to prove the smug detective wrong.

* * *

AN: Well? What do you think? Do you like it, or should I never write again? I will try to update once a week for those interested in reading.

Let me know please! I'm new at this, I need encouragement!

~~ L X L ~ Raito X Ryuuzaki ~ Lawliet X Light ~ R x R~~


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